by Leonard Scheff & Susan Edmiston
“Anger is as good at solving problems as a fan is at stacking papers.”
— The Cow in the Parking Lot
Synopsis
A practical exploration of anger through the lens of Buddhist philosophy and psychology. Rather than treating anger as something to suppress, the book examines where it comes from, how it distorts our thinking, and how we can respond more skillfully to conflict, criticism, and disappointment.
Themes
- Responding vs. Reacting — creating space between feeling and action.
- Defensiveness — how anger often points toward something we don’t want to examine.
- Expectations and Attachment — many frustrations arise from unmet assumptions.
- Choice — anger narrows possibilities, while awareness expands them.
Selected Lines
“It may, however, be constructive to end a relationship in which significant demands can’t be met. Often, we continue in relationships that are not meeting our needs out of a sense of scarcity. That is, we are unwilling to take the risk of leaving the relationship we have, believing that we won’t be able to find one that better suits our needs. Freezing our lives in place is another way we perpetuate anger.”
“Failing to articulate our needs and desires can serve to keep us isolated and lonely.”
“You can land at my airport, but don’t come in too fast or too slow, too far to the right or to the left, too high or too low. However, I’m not going to tell you what any of the parameters are.”
“Realizing that you have a complex and secret life path to your heart may produce sadness rather than anger. But it also offers the possibility of change.”
“So the first cost of anger is its effects on our own minds and bodies. If we felt the effects for only a short time, the damage wouldn’t be so bad. But anger has a way of lingering and festering.”
“Anger is as good at solving problems as a fan is at stacking papers.”
“When anger is directed at us, we are conditioned to become angry ourselves. We assume that because someone insulted us, we should be angry. But there is no law that says this. Greater happiness and well-being are achieved by another route.”
“If a person takes the risk of criticizing you—and possibly incurring your wrath—it may be because she cares enough about you and your relationship to do so.”
“By choosing certain goals or charting a particular meaning or course for our lives, we arbitrarily shut out many of the options open to us.”
“It is just so in this case, Brahman: you revile us who do not revile in return, you scold us who do not scold in return, you abuse us who do not abuse in return. So we do not accept it from you and hence it remains with you, it belongs to you, Brahman.”
“He who controls his rising anger as a skilled driver curbs a speeding chariot, him I call a true charioteer. Others merely hold the reins.”
— The Buddha
“Being angry or acting out of anger radically narrows our choices for dealing with our lives. When we act out of anger, we are acting irrationally so, when anger overtakes us, some kind of automatic response kicks in; we focus only on assuaging our anger.”
“If you become angry, it’s a signal that something is wrong. But aside from an asteroid striking you or an unprovoked physical attack that occurs for no reason other than that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time, your anger may be a sign of defensiveness—or a wake-up call to look at what you may have contributed to the situation.”
Reflection
The most useful idea in the book is that anger is often less informative about the person in front of us than it is about ourselves. Anger can point toward unmet expectations, hidden fears, wounded pride, or needs we haven’t articulated. The goal is not to eliminate anger, but to notice it before it takes over and narrows our options.